Astrokeen , you are a treasure trove of valuable information -- thank you.
Yes, this article is helping me sort things out and gain perspective. Just immersing myself in psychology lingo feels healthy and reassuring, especially now with the sun transiting in Virgo, trine my sun. It's nice to know that certain universal problems are being closely observed and tended to.
The article is dense so I'm working through it bit by bit.
I wonder, to what extent does this apply to me?
In his paper on mindfulness and psychological processes, Williams (2010) describes how, in depression, low mood can trigger a host of mental simulations or narratives which are then treated as real threats and real losses by primitive neural pathways in the brain. The difficulty then arises when the mode of processing which is applied in order to work with these mental simulations or narratives is the ‘doing’ mode of mind. This is a mode of mind which essentially tries to ‘solve’ the emotional problem by bringing in memories about the past and images about the future and setting goals in order to help find a solution. However, while this ‘doing mode’ is a useful and vital strategy for many day to day tasks, such as getting from A to B, when applied to mental events, it serves only to increase levels of rumination or suppression and increases a sense of helplessness and distress, as well as reducing attentional capacity.
Ava , the being mode is typically the recommendation for dealing with anxieties or rumination that seem to bring us down and are difficult to shake off. There is a great deal of info on the web on the being mode in Mindfulness - it would be well worth trying to see if it could lighten the heart chakra. For energies to flow unimpeded through the chakras, they need clearing of psychological gunk, so to speak.
I personally find meditative practices difficult and would be interested to hear if you are more successful with such techniques.
Just to clarify, I have very little anxiety, it's more like the opposite: I have emotional obstructions and habits that numb me. Arguably this is just the Capricorn sun way of being.
I'm mindful enough to regulate some emotional extremes, but not mindful enough to know what is actually driving me psychologically. Or, if I've seized on it intellectually, it doesn't seem to help evolve me. I know I have abandonment issues from my mother dying when I was young. Knowing that doesn't prevent me from recycling those feelings the minute someone starts to leave, and basically shutting myself down over and over again, the same way I did when she died.....
Well it seems like a rabbit hole but I guess it's fairly simple. My sense of permanence took a serious blow when I was young, which is a great lesson in Zen (nothing is permanent) but a half-finished lesson (if nothing is permanent, where is my security?)
I have never been one for meditation, I just go into that state sometimes before dozing off to sleep, but I'm trying to try.
Will update if I make progress, I want to stop complaining and start finding higher ground.
Everything feels imaginary but as I tuned into the heart of the gentleman behind me, a woman came to mind, telling their story. Seems like his heart was saying it was enmeshed with this woman's energy and almost overtaken by it. Unresolved issues or my imagination?
I think I did this with S, when I barely knew him. I had a crush, and was daydreaming, but it turned very heavy/depressing. A few years later, he told me some really depressing things. I put off talking to him much, that first year or so, out of nervousness/shyness, but also because I was afraid that I had connected to him somehow, and that was the reason he wanted to get to know me (that he kind of felt it?). I used to feel butterflies whenever he was going to contact me, when we hadn't spoken for a while. That doesn't happen anymore.
Maybe I should try again, just not with him. I've become really closed off, and not wanting to pick things up from others (my own energy is enough to deal with).
“I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept.”