Violets yes, letting go has been on my mind a lot, though probably because of me knowing what the transit means.
I am just not completely sure what it is I am letting go of, or have been, I mean I have already undergone 3 of these passes.
Sometimes I think I am letting go of P in some way.
It would have made sense, waking up from that delusion, but instead what happened, and pretty much around those exact hits was that it almost felt like he was trying to get into some kind of contact/ connection. Or some contact just happened.
I mean, it is just so weird and bizarre but
1st hit in march 2016, and at the end of february 2016, I happened to show up on a concert of his, and actually I was looking quite different, I had not really intended to do it, but the week before I was getting a new haircut and dyed my hair and also my clothing style had suddenly drastically changed (I remember suddenly developing that liking of simple, rather tight black clothes with a very red necklace). In fact even some of my collegues were mentioning how they hardly recognized me. lol
Well in the case of P, it was just bizarre, but he was literally standing outside the cafe I was sitting in with a few friends and staring at me through the window. lol Not even I could pretend it did NOT happen and I did not get his attention. Well I also got his wife`s attention, as she almost was running over my feet with their car. And I hadn`t even done anything. And before anyone gets weird ideas, there has never been anything in-appropriate happening between P and me.
Then 2nd hit, june 2016 - just a week or so after I had been meeting him and getting involved in a longish chat with him after some musical show. Well my friends were actually wanting to talk to him and I did not want to wait somewhere else and joined them, and it was just puzzling me that he wouldn`t pretty much taking his eyes off me at all, even when he was talking to other people, and how suddenly I got the main thing to talk about. lol (my aquaintance was mentioning how we met, and even though I couldn`t fathom why anyone should be interested in that story, he was really pushing her, subtly, and encouraging her to talk more about me. lol I was pretty much standing there and wondering what the heck was happening there?
Well a few days after that there was some drama on his face book site, and P and me even got into a bit of an argument. Well not really, but he had put something there, intending to be funny but I thought it was evoking a wrong impression about me, and so I guess I was in not so nice terms indicating he better should not cross that line with me, not even for the sake of a joke. I thought he would never talk to me again after that. lol
Curiously enough he did talk to me again after that, a few weeks, suddenly sharing a video with me about a comedian and his program with the title: "Love is work work work". To be honest I haven`t understood until today how our short conversation could have triggered him sharing that video, and I guess it was me ending that talk pretty instantly, but not rudely, just I was not sure if we weren`t approaching a line that should not be crossed. No clue why.
Anyway then he invented those podcasts with his best friend, which somehow pulled me in and got us into a more direct and frequent communication. and of course me meeting his friend again (I actually had been crossing paths with him many years before, but I think he doesn`t remember, as I don´t really, but we were studying the same subject at the same university at the same time, so I am pretty sure we crossed paths. lol)
Then in december 2016 was the first musical workshop, P was giving and I was attending. Just on my solar return last year. lol
Within minutes of it.
It was a HUGE decision for me going there, and I was ultra nervous before, not just because of P being there, but not knowing the surrounding, not knowing what to expect, not knowing anything, and usually, I mean the years before I would have chickened out, found excuses to NOT go, when my aquaintance asked me if we should dare to, but after giving her all the reasons why it was NOT a good idea, the answer was YES. lol
I guess what I let go of in this moment was not P or any relationship, but just abandoning my usual cowardice and urge to control and know everything and just make this one step out of my personal comfort zone.
Well it was a great experience, leading to 2 more workshops
(one other with him, the other with Lancelot last weekend). It was also bizarre, surreal and intense, and I guess he must have felt some intensity there too, which is the only reason I can think of why, after playing bits from a selfcomposed song of his to me, and us exchanging some very short words about it, he suddenly was jumping up and hugging me. lol
And well and last weekend was another hit of the transit, but this time I was on a workshop with Lancelot, which was another intense experience. In a completely different way.
As for P and me, in those months in between he`s been paying a lot of attention to me, I mean I have been going on about how he was putting some small extras as gifts into something I ordered over his site, and when I saw him a few days afterwards and asked him about it, he couldn`t quite name a reason, or I did not really heard it cause I was too distracted by him stroking my arm. lol
Or him giving me back the caketin I had left on the last workshop behind, on a concert of his, and my friend is still completely puzzled and telling the story to everyone how he knew exactly where I had been in the audience and that it was my caketin and so on. I usually do not talk about this to other fans.
Or at the day of the solar eclipse he and his friend received a little gift I had sent them (I sent it to the theatre instead of giving it to him in person, which probably was surprising a bit), and they do get gifts of some fans rather regularly, but not me, and in this case it was just a little something because P had been sick and his friend had been in a bad mood about something. Anyway it was really nothing, just a very little something, yet they were dedicating a lot of time discussing it and celebrating this on the podcast.
And in particular P was going on about how he couldn`t quite believe it (I never understood what he couldn`t believe. lol)
Anyway the day after that P started posting suspicious videos, stating he was in that weird mood he is rarely in, and among those was a video of a song he wrote himself, and he did so a few years ago, pretty much just after I had decided to disappear from his life for good (which curiously was the main theme of the song; having met a girl/ woman and due to confusions and misunderstandings she just disappeared without a trace, which was apparently haunting him). Since that was so close to that disastrous decision I made then, fuelled by nothing but my own paranoia and feelings of inferiority, it really affected me deeply when he posted this video now, along with some others that are deeply meaningful to me personally (which he cannot know of course, as we`ve never talked about that, cause honestly what was there to talk about? Nothing, not if we are trying to see that whole thing realistically. Realistically speaking I am just a fan and he is a performer. Period.)
And then after him being in that weird intense melancholic mood it felt like a break-down in communication between us, and I am not yet sure if that is due to my paranoia (again - actually I`ve been tested over and over at some points in the last 2 years if I would succumb to the paranoia again and disappear) or if there really is something weird going on. I don`t know.
Biut there is also the truth, that I´ve taken all these experiences, and while I cherish them and do think there was something weirdly personal going on (at least more personal than the normal fan-performer-interaction), I am not dependent on this anymore. It`s like I´ve let go of any kind of, I don`t even know what.
What I do know is that I do not want a reprise of the past. Maybe there had been some weird vague dreams or fantasies something more could develop between us, at least some years ago. And yes when life did not comply to my personal thoughts how my very own fairytale or novel should be like, I was heartbroken and really really in a low (but that was actually some years ago). Black hole kind of stuff.
But somehow that`s gone now, too. Somehow I am just okay with how things are and I guess re-orienting myself.
It is difficult for me to say how the Pluto-Saturn really affected my life, but thinking back of how things were before, it is almost like I sacrificed my loneliness and abandoned my ivory tower in favour for meeting people, not just P, I mean I´ve branched out and met a lot of aquaintances, which started the minute Tr Saturn was conjunct my Neptune-NN curiously. Isn`t that weird? Shouldn`t it have led to MORE loneliness instead of opening up? Was this easy? No, being alone, on my own, living in my head, that is my comfort zone. Always has been.
I have to a degree lost my ability to dream I guess. Or at least to fantasize. as it seems that most of my dreams presently are manifesting in some, though sometimes unexpected way, in reality. lol
I have also changed my attitude, and appearance and yes style of how I dress, and it is still ongoing. I guess my preference for Black (along with red) speaks much for Saturn-Pluto and my Venus.
But you can see from the amoutn of words I am stumbling across here, I have really NO idea what this Pluto-Saturn resulted in, I just know that somehow my life has been restructured, and somehow I have become more socializing. I have also become more openly critical of some behaviours, and might alienate some people and others might like me for that.
Acutally on the last workshop I was talking to an aquaintance about how bizarre this musical-fan world sometimes feels to me, especially observing SOME fan behavioru making me feel like having stumbled into a soap opera and just watching it and being fascinated and having no clue what that is about.
Well I was telling the truth, but I didn`t quite intend for Lancelot to hear it. He was supposed to just sit there at the piano going through his notes prepare for the workshop, but the moment I said it, I then noticed how he was looking at me and grinning for just a short moment.
lol
That is another thing, I seem to have lost the unability to stay invisible; I come into a room and people play attention. I don´t even do anything, I am not putting on a show or something, I am just being there, but somehow this seems to be enough. But not attention like in a girlish way (I have never been a girlish girl anyway), people seem to just suddenly notice that I am there, and some are very nice (and yes, usually men. lol) and sometimes I am met with what feels like defensiveness and hositility, especially by a certain kind of "I am so cute" kind of girl/woman. Maybe it`s cause they realize that this facade is so transparent to me.
I also think at no other time in my life people have been apologizing to me so often like in the last 2 years, it is not even that they did something unforgiveable; but I guess I have been rather clear about my boundaries and how I want to be treated and how they better should not treat me ever again. Usually it was just little things, but I seem to radiate higher expectations to my surroundings; I might be shooting over the mark, too, of course. I just feel that I am a little more extreme, or let`s say demonstrative about what I think. I`ve been more expressive when it comes to anger as well as compassion/ warmth/ sympathy than I´ve ever been before. and I found that in particular those two emotions, expressing anger as well as sympathy for someone, it`s really not easy. It`s like using a muscle that hasn`t been used for a long time.
But I´ve simply started to trust my own instincts in these things, or let`s put it this way, have decided that I cannot control anyone else`s feelings anyway, but that that does not mean I have to deny or suppress my own. And if I want to be nice to someone, I am going to be nice to someone, no matter what anyone might think about it. It`s weird how being nice and open towards people is apparently fraught with such complex emotions in my case.
I do think it has something to do with my mom and some weird messages I got as a child, and somehow they left the impressinon in me that by showing appreciation for other people, I belittle myself. Which is of course utter nunsense, but well it has just been last month I suddenly verbalized that wrong message I got from my mom. She did not say it like that and possibly did not even mean it, but it is something that was left with me and apparently restricted me.
So yeah, I guess there have been changes, but they are internal, and I hope nothing bad happens on the last 2 hits of Pluto-Saturn. It just felt so bizarre to me how each exact hit coincided with something that had to do with that musical-circle I have sort of slipped into. No matter if it has something to do with P or anyone else.
Actually the evening I received the package where he had put the extra gifts and note into, I just came from another workshop (at our school), in which we were sort of working on how to make "Faust" into a play appropriate for schools, and it came with some very exhausting but rewarding excercises, well acting and improvisation, and some of those excercises were very physical, so I had to really expand my horizon or get over boundaries that afternoon, just to be really surprised by that surprise-package after coming home.
To be honest not only being a recipient but also acting in a more active form has really become an increasing focal point in my life those last 2 years (actually right now I am teaching a course and we are preparing a Poetry Slam. lol I`ve never done that before, but it`s really fun)
I guess this is sort of a good niche for me, being at school but at the same time having the freedom to try out these acting/ performance/ creativity things with my poor pupils, who have no choice, because their teacher is plain crazy. lol